Friday, January 06, 2006

My marriage, part eleven

Disclaimer: Is there a reason for it? Probably there is.

As I start writing this, I really hope this is the last part.

RedHead and I realised that the major problems, her lack of sex drive and rashes, had started around the time she had her new hormonal contraceptive coil inserted. And didn't she have a lot of problems after that hormonal shot, right after CartoonBoy's birth? Maybe it was the contraceptive after all? We went to our midwife, asking about side-effects. Sure, some women might get moody and loose their sex drive for a while, but not for years on end. How about the rashes? Never heard of, it had to be the goitre. If we decide to pull out the contraceptive, how long will the effect last? Oh, at least three months, probably six!

We discussed it at home and two days before RedHead's 34th birthday we somewhat reluctant went to the midwife to have the coil removed. Within a week there was a big difference in RedHead's behaviour. She had her period and as soon as she recovered from that, we had intercourse almost every evening for two weeks. I wouldn't describe it as good sex and not as she seduced me. No, this was her lying on her back, legs spread, telling me to fuck her. And once again I got the feeling that I had the full responsibility for her sex life. We were not equals. She couldn't care less as long as I satisfied her.

I mentioned somewhere that I've always been proud of my self control in bed. Well, that went out the window after several years of problems in the sexual department and all the frustration I had felt. So, one evening's sex ended once again with us staring at each other.
-She did say at least three months, didn?t she?"

-Yes, she did."

That was the last time I trusted a midwife.

It didn't take long for RedHead to realise that she, once again, was pregnant. This pregnancy showed to be the worst yet. Two weeks after our last intercourse she started to feel morning sickness. Since we both knew the signs we could easily calculate that the baby would arrive in late March or early April. For a while, we didn't tell anyone (well, I did) but even my FIL saw what was going on at an early stage. Luckily, he didn't tell MIL.

The first trimester was hell for RedHead, constantly feeling nauseous and tired. She started to push me away, both mentally and physically. This went on into the second trimester but got somewhat better around Christmas. We had very careful sex on New Years Eve. After the holidays, RedHead was informed about layoffs at work and that she probably would be one of those who had to go. She had been whining a lot about her work right from the start but now it became an endless rant.

I haven't mentioned this before but I drove her to and from work every day. From where we live and to the gates of the plant, it's less than three kilometres (1.8 miles), a perfect distance to ride a bike or even to walk during summer time. Her work ended at 23.50 every evening and this meant that I would be able to sleep for about five hours before getting up and get the kids to school. This put a further strain on me and it happened more than once that I fell asleep waiting for her work to end. I was always exhausted and grew more and more sick of our situation.

Then, on February 21st 2004, my father passed away. As my mother later put it: One second he was zapping through the TV-channels and in the next second he was gone. His heart just stopped. In fact, he died exactly as he wished, at home, after a nice dinner and short walk together with my mother and then watching the news. And just like that, the light went out, 12 days before his 67th birthday.

It wasn't until his funeral that I realised how many people he knew. The church warden later told us that this had been the second largest funeral in our municipality during his 40 years working there. The same warden also said something, as we were taking final goodbyes a couple of evenings before the funeral, as we asked him if people really laughed as much as we did under these circumstances. Because we laughed and joked a lot, reminding each other of one story after the other about Dad and shedding a tear in between. The warden smiled and said:

-That sense of humour was planted in your hearts by your father and from what I've heard in the last two hours, he must have been a remarkable man. You should cherish that seed and nurture it. As long as you do that, he will live in your hearts."

I don't think I?ll ever forget those words.

Our main concern, however, was RedHead's state during the funeral. She was not only big, she was GIGANTIC. MIL and FIL held their breath during the funeral, together with many of the guests. Almost everybody thought that she would break water in the middle of the ceremony. Now, wouldn't that have been fun? Actually, it would have and I think my father would have had a hearty laugh at the whole situation.

LittleAngel was supposed to arrive on April's Fool and between the funeral and that day I took the decision to leave RedHead as soon as LA was baptised. I was so sick and tired of RedHead's constant whining, the lack of proper sleep and above all the lack of intimacy we had shared through the previous pregnancies. She hardly allowed me to hug her and referred to her bulge as "my baby", not our baby, but hers. That hurt.

I don't recall if I, in previous posts, have told about her possessiveness? Anyway, one of the big differences between us is that I always, with the exception of the computer and my clothes, have referred to everything in our home as "ours". RedHead could very well tell the kids to get the hell out of "her" sofa, change channel on "her" TV, stop messing up "her" cleaning. The funny part is that she started doing it after we got married, although we lived together for five years first. Anyway, I had had it with her and with everything else. I feared that she would take the kids away from me but at that point I didn't care anymore. I even packed a few bags. I was absolutely determined to leave her as soon as possible.

LittleAngel was born on April 16th and when I held this little girl in my arms for the first time and looked into her eyes, I fell in love with her. Whatever RedHead would say, this was my baby girl, not hers. And right from the start LA preferred me before RedHead and continued to do so up until now.

Of course I got second thoughts. How could I leave this lovely little baby? How could I leave this sweet little girl with those big thoughtful eyes that seemed to contain a wisdom that was far beyond her age? Everyone told us that LittleAngel had a strange way of looking at them. She seemed to scrutinize every new person she met.

She went to sleep the same time every night and woke up every morning with a big smile on her face. She never made a fuzz about anything as long as she got feed every third hour during the day. She was, and still is, the "perfect" baby.

At nights, when I sat in our chair bottle-feeding her, I thought a lot about my situation and my options. If I left RedHead, I would most certainly have a full-scale war on my hands, something I wanted to avoid at all costs. The main reason for this was that nothing of this was our kids fault. In fact, hadn't it been for the kids, RedHead and I would have parted years earlier. Was I willing to lose my kids? Was I prepared to become the villain? Out of experience I knew that a divorce where everybody stayed friends was almost impossible to achieve.

Then there was my "romance". Only God knows (just an expression) how much I longed to meet her in person. It might be the best thing that ever happened to me, maybe even for her, or it might end in disaster with the two of us at each others throats. Would there be the same chemistry live as it felt like there was over the net? Most important, if we met and decided that we were to be good friends and nothing more, would that really work considering my strong feelings about her?

Did I even have any options?

At nights, feeding LittleAngel, I asked her what I should do. Looking into her eyes lead me to the decision that I had to heal inside first, take care of my own demons. I took a tough decision to "break up" with my "romance", at least for a while, to try and sort things out at home first. If RedHead and I parted in the near future I didn't want her to get the blame, since most of the troubles started long before we met.

I decided that I would give RedHead the chance to win me back. Oh, I still loved her, but it was more because she had given me four beautiful children than anything else. The passion was gone. We still had fun together and though it might not seem so, our fights were rare and far between. I also realised that the only thing that we had in common were the kids. We love them and always put them first in any given situation.

Intellectually we were/are far apart with me being all scientific and interested in almost everything and her being interested in gossip and television. I would want to go to an art exhibition and she would find it boring. In fact, I can't come up with one single interest that she has a passion for. Not one.

Damn. There will be a part 12 too..


Virginia Gal said...

For some reason I always see LittleAngel looking like Maggie from the Simpsons, all knowing sucking on a pacifier.

I hope you are keeping hard copies of this marriage series, it would make a great read (perhaps as a book or some high magazine, like the New Yorker or Vanity Fair)!

Shark-fu said...

My heart always goes out to couples going through what you are going through. You love and adore your kids...that's very clear. Yet you are unhappy in your marriage. Sadly, there are no clear answers.

But I can tell you, as a child of divorced parents, that we know when something isn't right. And we want our parents to be happy. My father was a much happier man after my parents split up. My mother? Well, nothing was going to make her happy.

Anyway, this really is a great series and I can't wait until #12!

ScandinavienNova said...

Om du undra´r varför jag aldrig kommenterar på dessa poster så är det för att dom ligger mig för nära.. Ville bara säga det så du vet honey bunny ;-)

Kram på dig!!!!

PissedOffPencil said...

Virginia Gal: "Maggie" was her first nickname, before she started to walk. :)

No, I don't think I'll ever publish this anywhere else than here on this blog but I might save it as a reference if I ever get around writing my shakesperian novel. ;o)

ABB: I know that you're right about kids knowing that something is wrong but bear with me to the "end" of the story. :)

ScandinavianNova: Jag undrar faktiskt inte varför du inte kommenterar, snarare beundrar jag dig för att du inte gör det. :)

Catherine Vocalist said...

Wow, you have it rough, POP. I really feel for you and your dilemma.

I don't have any answers for you. It's something that you have to go through and figure out on your own but you already know that.